Dear World,

dear world,
I am tired and sick of you. There are constantly things that need to get done, and for what? How much better will the world really be if I discover something new? There will always be stupid people out there to question, stress, and doubt.

so world, if i could borrow some luck, maybe for just a minute, that would be great. The line of paranoia and happiness seems to be fading together. I find it at the least uncomfortable that my only happiness is intertwined within the self doubt of paranoia.

My story, "ebony in white" has been all but abandoned, and somehow my art has been forgotten. My only thoughts twitch between tests, and rules, and theorems. I feel like there was a simpler time, I'm just not sure where it went.

Most people who are truthfully happy are those either in love, or too oblivious to notice the ground they walk on melt. Even the prettiest, most sought-out person I know continuously pushes everyone away and declares her life miserable and meaningless. How I despise the very notion of that. While the rest of the earth's population struggles to float, she begs for sympathy because her life is not meaningful. The rest if us have not reached average, no less eventful. Sometimes the best gift is a mundane one.

So world, now that I've rambled like some angry goth, please accept my apologies and good night wishes

I'm in pain

So basically, the title explains my post. My stomach feels like pins are being gabbed through it, and then set on fire. I feel as if I am outside of my own self, looking at me, and feeling pity. I'm sure there are people out there who are dealing with worse, and I am certain there are people out there who simply "deal with it". I am not one of those people.

There are other things to be said, but I won't be saying them. Not now.

Doesn't it seem...

Doesn't it seem like most of my misery ends up here? Every once in a while I remember I once blogged every day, and that maybe I should try that again. So here I am, writing about absolutely nothing, slowly fitting better and better into the stereotypical teenage loser mold. My brother annoys the shit out of me, my parents are...strange, and I depend on my friends who seem to be there: but really aren't.

I miss the times when there was a world to conquer and nothing to be lost. Somehow I have entered a world where there is nothing to gain but another problem to be fixed.

If there is some magic out there, may I borrow it?

Ah Flarp

Art field trip. YAY. I like field trips, even though there was nobody cool on this one. Just me a sophomore, and a bunch of artsy seniors. I suppose being invited on this trip was an honor, but i question rather i really fit (fat? past tense of fit...) in. All of them were the kind of people who shop at Urban outfitters, and look like they were trying not to fit in. Nothing they wore matched, and everything was baggy, vintage, hipster, or genderless.

My brother used to be friends with one of them before he started dating an artsy girl, and became artsy himself. My brother said he smokes after school now, and just guessing, so do most of them. I feel like this is just another attempt by them not to fit in. I guess what I'm saying is, they were all troubled souls.

It left me wondering if someday I would grow into what they are now. I mean, I was on their artsy trip, wasn't I? And, life has been pretty shitty lately, and it seems like I have been on the edge of that weathered look. Its a fragile line.

I hope I never do become them. I can't promise them a future. They seem to try a little to hard to go off the edge. SO anyways, I just wasted an entire post talking about the artsy seniors on my field trip. Oops.

It's late

It really is. It is late. 11:34. i should be sleeping but I'm not.

Life seems to constantly be taking turns for the worse. The very facts we depend on have a way of betraying us when we need them most. The feeling of safety has vanished, that edgy distrust in its place.

Some may say it could always be worse, and i suppose it could, but hopelessness is pretty damn bad. Its a rut, and I'm in it. I entered it the moment when I stopped wanting to try, when I stopped feeling the battle was worth the victory.

So its late, 11:40. There is a lot more to be said, but I just don't feel like it.

Returning to life

So I am back to that shitty line, where I simply seem to have one piece-of-crap moment follow another. Its a delightful cycle, really.

SO besides Emil, my lovely little hamster (ball o fuzz) dying, I didnt do so great on the math quiz, the science teacher is sure taking her time on letting me finish the test, and I feel like shit. I feel like all previous accomplishments have been rendered void by today alone. Any confidence I ever had simply got gathered up, and thrown away.

I guess I could write more, but I'm so out of it, I'm not gonna bother.

A whole new level of stupid

I would like to congratulate my mom and brother on reaching a whole new level of stupid. My brother has been sitting on this line for years now, so the real acknowledgment has to go to my mom. So congrats mom, while you ignorantly ignored me, you rushed into giving your credit card number to a spammer, missed out on the chance for a pair of free, real, pearl and silver earrings, and pissed me off. Good job. I would to thank my brother for helping her with this goal.

*bows and exits stage right